I almost big chopped today.
Yes it is very serious. I almost cried. The plan was to wait till March 2014 until I chopped off everything and have a mini ‘fro. It would be one full year then but I was in dire need of a trim. The breakage was frustrating! So after washing, I grabbed my pair of scissors and started cutting. Yeah it felt good and refreshing. I didn’t know when I ”over-trimed” so to speak. By the time I was done, my hair had shrunk so I picked some bobby pins and tried to fix an updo. I did but didn’t like the result. Found myself constantly fiddling with it and looking at the mirror at any given opportunity. I did this twice. Wasn’t pleased with the appearance of my hair especially since I don’t plan to visit the salon anytime soon. So, this time I took my wide-toothed comb and combed it out. The first time in a while. I realised I still had some growth. It wasn’t as bad as I’d earlier thought. I’d done a mini chop! I carried my hair like that for the rest of the day. I didn’t even care about my friends who were making fun of me.. They didn’t understand. There is/was a connection. It is more than hair. There’s a reason I’d rather go through the long haul of transitioning. It got to a point that I decided to just cut it all off. 9 months wasn’t beans afterall. As hard as I tried to distract myself, it didn’t work and as funny as it sounds, I was affected by it. I wasn’t ready still.
Well, my hair’s currently in a protective style. I finally found my way around it and I hope it stays this way till March or else….
So I promised i a report of my first week at work. These past one week hasn’t been so exciting at all so to speak. I resumed on Tuesday with lots of expectations only for them to be dashed a few hours later. What i got wasn’t what i bargained for. Four days down i’m here and i’m so not looking forward to returning back here(yeah i’m still @ work) on Monday. Everything’s just clashing. Maybe because i haven’t been trained in this line or i’m probably not interested. Yeah it’s the latter. My boss confronted me yesterday and i almost blurted out my frustrations. Erm…actually i did. That’s the reason for her change of attitude this morning. All of a sudden, she isn’t so nice anymore not that she was to begin with. I’m just here anxiously waiting for the month to end so i can collect my paycheck and run as fast as my legs can carry me. Fortunately for me, my mum agrees with my decision. The only problem is i don’t have a replacement yet. Really hope i get one before the end of the month. I know i will because my God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory.
Then again, my mum still believes it’s some kind of training and that i’ll need the experience later in life. Honestly, i don’t care. I have so many things i really wanna do with my life and this is the last thing on my mind. Actually it’s not on my mind at all.
Yes! I mean it!.
Right now i feel so angry and bitter that i resent my father! I think i wished him dead a couple of times. I believe it’s better to have someone that is alive and useful than alive and not-so-useful. I didn’t think i would be one of the people that will experience Father Crisis! Not in my wildest dreams! And it’s been like that all along. Almost 20years! *sigh* if someone had told me,my dad would turn out this way,i wouldn’t have believed. I would even have fought with the person and kept my distance. Right now, all i feel is resentment and almost-hatred! Yeah! It’s unbelievable. As a child of God,i’m not supposed to feel this way. The Holy Spirit has a way of supressing it so i don’t even think about it. Buh i live with him, what can i do?? My frustration is @ its peak! And as someone said it’s kinda affecting my relationship with guys. So i’ve kinda stayed away from dating, also because i haven’t found someone that can understand me to this extent
Dissapointments have become my second nature. I don’t even expect anything from anybody again just to avoid any more.
I was born on my dad’s birthday so i’m supposed to be his precious birthday gift! Amean that why they named me ”Ebunoluwa” (Gift of God). After my birth and that of my siblings,we didnt have a normal childhood even till date. My mum as far as i am concerned has been both parents. You will understand when i say ”she’s my world”. My dad didn’t do what regular fathers did. He practically neglected us (till date),whilst living with us. He never left the house for a day buh to us He is just an housemate.
As i grew older,my mom encouraged us to pray for him. We were seperated for 7 years (best seven years of my life) because of my mom’s job. So there was enough time & space to intercede on his behalf. After a couple of years,i didn’t see any improvements, i stopped praying. I didn’t see the use anymore and till date i can’t bring myself to pray for him. I just can’t! I’ve left him to God. Just this evening, i was thinking of what i would say during his burial when he eventually dies. Right now i have nothing to say!!! I redirected my prayers to my mom because i don’t think i can live without her.
At this stage of my life, i just have a biological father and not a daddy! 😦 :(. I don’t think i know what it feels like to have daddy.
I’m just so grateful because God has used my mom in so many ways that i couldn’t have imagined. She’s like my compensation buh those fatherly shoes can’t really be filled!
So don’t judge me when i say fathers are overated because that’s just how i feel. 😦