So yesterday, I finally bought a jump-rope although it was quite small. Didn’t realise until I got home. Actually thought I could get away with it especially since my height wasn’t in question. Anyways I still had to improvise.
First thing this morning, I jumped out of the bed to start my work-out routine. You want the truth?
OMG!!!! It’s so hard!!!! I couldn’t even jump well. I don’t have enough stamina or endurance! The plan was to jump for like 10minutes in my mind, jump-roping is a no-brainer. So I started with single-leg jumps. That went a bit well. There was a bit of balance so I could go till 30. After which, I did the double-leg jumps and I lost it…totally. I felt like crying. Couldn’t even get to 10. Sigh. I ended it all with push-ups! And you know what, almost 18 hours later, I still feel so sore. I can’t even move properly. I just want to be stationary until it dies down a bit. Sigh. I hope it does because tomorrow is another day and I need as much motivation. No one around seemed interested enough.
Sigh. Wish me luck!
That aside, after the torture of a work-out, I had to literally carry myself somewhere else. I got there and the first thing this person whom I’ve know forever, said to me is ”Why’s your hair like this?” I’d left my house with an almost well-defined braid-out sans makeup and jewelry. I was feeling very fly. So I of course I was taken aback by that comment. The next thing he said was,”Don’t come here next time with your hair like this”. I could sense the annoyance and irritation in the tone of his voice. ”Infact,cover your hair or do something about it”. Me: Yes sir. As per respect and all. I didn’t let it get to me. In my mind, it’s one of the perks of carrying natural hair. I was already prepared for the awkward stares and comments but from this person, I didn’t expect it…at all.
Sigh. It is well.
I almost big chopped today.
Yes it is very serious. I almost cried. The plan was to wait till March 2014 until I chopped off everything and have a mini ‘fro. It would be one full year then but I was in dire need of a trim. The breakage was frustrating! So after washing, I grabbed my pair of scissors and started cutting. Yeah it felt good and refreshing. I didn’t know when I ”over-trimed” so to speak. By the time I was done, my hair had shrunk so I picked some bobby pins and tried to fix an updo. I did but didn’t like the result. Found myself constantly fiddling with it and looking at the mirror at any given opportunity. I did this twice. Wasn’t pleased with the appearance of my hair especially since I don’t plan to visit the salon anytime soon. So, this time I took my wide-toothed comb and combed it out. The first time in a while. I realised I still had some growth. It wasn’t as bad as I’d earlier thought. I’d done a mini chop! I carried my hair like that for the rest of the day. I didn’t even care about my friends who were making fun of me.. They didn’t understand. There is/was a connection. It is more than hair. There’s a reason I’d rather go through the long haul of transitioning. It got to a point that I decided to just cut it all off. 9 months wasn’t beans afterall. As hard as I tried to distract myself, it didn’t work and as funny as it sounds, I was affected by it. I wasn’t ready still.
Well, my hair’s currently in a protective style. I finally found my way around it and I hope it stays this way till March or else….
The day started on a good note. I had to go to school[after skipping a whole semester] for registration and course materials. *Phew! The crowd wasn’t very sexy at all. After settling with the avaliable, I took a back seat with some freshers and before I knew it, we were having a convo.
Yeah before that, on my way to school this morning; I took a bus, as I was trying to get comfortable, get my fare out and indulge myself in some soothing songs, Andrew just popped out for nowhere. My facial expression was priceless!
1.) We live in the same estate and we came out almost at the same time[I saw him] but went opposite directions.
2.) I did not expect to see him talkless of sitting beside and paying my fare or even speaking to him. This was someone I’ve known for quite a while now and thought he was always bothering me. I usually didn’t give him breathing space to even talk to me. I had ignored his Whatsapp messages countless times. But here I was sitting right beside him, I didn’t even know what to think. For a while I was just numb; avoided any form of eye contact and just feigned normalcy.
After a short awkward silence, he started a convo. *sigh All shades of awkwardness. Anyways fast-forward to some 10-15 mins later, we were both saying our goodbyes as I had to get down at my bustop. Okay, it wasn’t totally awkward. We talked. He seemed cool, calm, and gentlemanly.
When I was done with school runs, I was ready to go home. I don’t even know how to describe the-whole-walking-in-circles-almost-losing-my-way charade. [Not that I wasn’t familiar with the route, I just couldn’t decide on which way to go] Anyways I got home safe and sound under the rain and still don’t forget to invest in two neckpieces.^_^. That basically made my day.
So today was one of those days. Started pretty bad and ended quite well. It got bearable towards the end. My boss confronted me this morning over an issue. Over the last couple of days[weeks] now, she’s been ignoring me. Literally. I guess she couldn’t bear it any longer so she opened up. After the whole castigation; took like 10mins, before I could say Jack Robinson, I didn’t know when I burst into tears. Yup! Literally. [Been a long while I cried tho]. I wasn’t crying because she was reprimanding me or anything, I didn’t realise she could bottle up so much and didn’t make an effort to bring my flaws to my notice which of course was the bone of contention. I’d had probably annoyed her or done something unpleasant unknowingly and she couldn’t correct me right there and there. She had to store everything up! Instead of trying to defend myself [which I always do], the first reaction was tears. How weird! Anger was nowhere to be found. Conceit was AWOL. I was shattered. And then, I guess my tears moved her, she couldn’t believe it. She consoled and later prayed for me.
No one is perfect. Infact it’s our imperfections that define us. I’m a stubborn person. [ I always like to use strong-willed ]. Most times, I’m not aware of these quirks until someone points it out to me. Even at that, I still get carried away until it is painted in black and white before I can fully grasp what the complaint is. No one is above correction. We learn everyday. Whatever it is that we don’t like or we’re uncomfortable with; I think we should bring these things to each other’s notice ASAP! Instead of keeping malice or playing self righteous.
It’s the end of the month! *whoop! Payday is upon us.. Such a long month. It almost didn’t want to end. LOL.
At the beginning of this month i.e Saturday to be precise,i decided to try my hands on poetry and so far i’ve successfully posted 2 and still struggling with the 3rd one. I dunno. It’s supposed to be easy. I find myself struggling with lines. Most times i could just have a title and then try to build the poem around it or a line which is supposed breed more ideas buh i just get stuck. It’s taking me too long to write a verse. Most of my narratives just take me less than 30mins buh this is taking forever. Other times i feel drained. My vocabulary often fails me so i end up with mere lines. You know what kills me the most?! In my head, i’ve beautiful ideas, the real problem is putting them into writing.
I’m just here consoling myself. I’m still a novice. This is the very first time i’m trying this and it isn’t supposed to be easy. I’m cannot be a pro at this all of a sudden. I need more practice. So i’ve decided for the rest of this month i’m gonna try no matter how difficult or chessy it sounds to write 1 poem a day. Then by the end of the month, i’ll take a stand. *sigh. I so hope i improve.
I’m outta here!
This vent is straight from my heart amidst tears.
Day in day out
I wonder what i can do please you
Instead you just complain and complain and complain
You’re never satisfied
You want me to be perfect forgetting i’m only human
I’m only young once
I’m allowed to do certain things
I’m allowed to break boundaries
I’m allowed to try things out
I’m allowed to explore
I’m allowed to be creative
I’m allowed to express myself.
I’m allowed to be imperfect
You’d rather tag me as been mannerless or rebellious
Honestly, along the line i didn’t care anymore
I still don’t.
Over the years the only thing i’ve felt is pure neglect, judgement and misunderstanding.
I’ve never felt this way with anyone else
And it’s affecting me
I can’t even fall in love
And we’re supposed to have the best relationship in the world.
I really don’t know what to say to you
I’ve thought over and over
I’ve lived as decent as possible not because of what you would say or think buh because of God.
Only if you knew.
I was never after your approval
Because i realised early enough
You can’t be pleased
You haven’t influenced my life in anyway.
Just so you know.
The Bible has always been my guideline.
You don’t care about my feelings
You only want your orders to be carried out
In your mind you’re perfect
No one is allowed to counter you.
Honestly,i don’t care
I’ve always tried to talk to you
Really i tried
I tried to develop our relationship
Really i tried
Buh what do i get in return
You don’t even believe i should have a mind of my own.
If you had your way i would be your robot
You would command and order me the way you please.
Hmm buh guess what:
Even under your ”protection”
I’ve grown,i’ve matured
I have a mind of my own
I’m as stubborn as….you can’t even imagine
And honestly,i couldn’t be more proud of myself
And i can’t wait to break-free
Only then will i totally be ME.
Hiya Good People.
I think it’s safe to say writer’s block (Google is your friend) has finally caught up with me. Amean there’s no other explanation or how do u explain this total blankness. I can’t seem to place my head on something and just write. The inspiration isn’t even coming forth. *sigh. I cannot believe i’m just stuck cause this past few weeks have been going really well for me. It’s been overwhelming. And now i’m here. A fellow writer advised i try and write something. I couldn’t think of anything but this rant. My apologies. Someone else said i should take a break.(I don’t think being stressed has anything to do with it or does it?! But i’m not. I promise.) I hope i get back on track ASAP. Really! Cause i can’t stand this!!! *Arghhhhh
Bear with me.
How Y’all Doing?!
Uhm…this is more of a rant or ramble so to speak with no particular sequence ( i dunno maybe it might end up arranged or something) and is not directed to anyone. It’s just how i feel.
I think i’m the most misunderstood person in the world. Ok maybe not in the world,in Lagos. *sigh. Maybe not. Whatever. As simple and as straightforward as i am, no one seems to understand my intentions. I’m barely capable of doing evil because as much as i fear the repercussions,i love my life. I try to be really nice to people. Really! And caring too. Yeah i actually am. I love my friends to bits even though i could be more self-centered. Who isn’t?! I don’t have to call or text them everyday to show it. In my heart,i’m praying for them and hoping things turn out well for them. Really. What then is the problem?! From time to time i ask myself. Can’t someone just sit down and understand me and not just assume?! What’s so hard?! Try and study me,talk to me. I’m not a monster. You cannot be absent in my life and then show up one day thinking you’ll meet the same person you left. There’s something called Growing.Up, Maturing. Like they say change is the only constant thing. This i think is one of the many causes of disagreement.
The one and only best friend i’ve had totally became a stranger almost a year ago. Yeah. Towards the end of our friendship,we dated for a couple of months (Totally wrong move) even before that,our relationship had already began deteriorating. I guess we were growing too fast and we couldn’t keep up with each other. LOL. So funny. Even with that i thought he was gonna be my BFF (Best Friend Forever). I even confessed i couldn’t live without him. Hmm. Such Irony. I dunno. I guess we just grew apart. Neither of us took time to understand and acknowledge the people we were becoming. We grew more and more distant. All forms of communication always ended in a fight. I was tired. I missed the old him. He was the only person that understood how much i didn’t enjoy cooking. LOL. He was someone i could call and talk to @ 2am. I wasn’t even bothered about my parents. In all he was the only person that truly understood who the person ‘Ebun’ was. He was basically part of me. Yeah in past tense. How sad. Then we broke up. That was basically the end of our 8yr friendship. Buh i needed to get over him so i cut all forms of contact. And till date we haven’t really talked. The funny thing was we talked about us towards the end buh it was too late you know. We were both done trying.
Right now,i think it’s taking a toll on me. I’m yet to recover even after a year. And i cannot believe it. I always boast of being a superhuman. I can handle almost anything that comes my way. Hmm. Indeed. I think right now i’m yet to find that person that’s ready to actually be a friend. I always say true friendships are the best thing that can happen to anyone. It’s Priceless. And for me it’s a big deal. It’s not something that should be toiled with because even parents as far as i’m concerned can’t give them to you. Really.
So because of that i’ve basically had problems with people around me and i’ve had to endure. Honestly,i miss my best friend. Life was so much easier with him. There’s nothing as blissful as having someone who knows so much about you and accepts you just the way you are. Again it’s Priceless.
The trending topic today on twitter was on commercial public transport a.k.a Danfo. It was actually funny because some tweeps couldn’t bear the shame of their followers seeing them hop from one danfo to another. Quite hilarious. I was just at one corner there LOLing and LMAOOing which actually got me thinking of my own personal experiences.
I have been boarding danfos for as long as i can’t remember buh officially a couple of years ago after my high school. Before then, my mom used her driver to monitor me. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without an elderly person. I could understand. I was quite young. So i didn’t complain. I enjoyed the treatment. Fast forward a couple of years later, i moved back to Lagos and had to cater for myself. My dad wasn’t even bothered. He believed i could take care of myself. LOL. I was actually excited. I couldn’t wait to experience the real hustle and bustle of Lagos, the hopping from one Danfo or bike to another. Then i had to start school. I had to wake up early enough to beat traffic because of my early morning classes. I always stood by the busstop waiting for a bus to stop in front of me as i majestically entered. I never struggled. I wasn’t used to that life. If i saw a lot of people struggling or fighting for space in one bus i just stepped aside fully convinced another will come at the expense of my punctuality.
Meanwhile, the Bus Rapid Transport(BRT) was always there. I never even thought of it until maybe last year or so and a couple of times this year. The queues at the busstop always discouraged me because it was cheaper buh i didn’t mind the price. I wanted quick transportation. I didn’t want to wait in the busstop waiting for the next avaliable bus where i would be able to sit. I dreaded standing. Why all this stress when i could board the ever-moving danfo buses. They hardly stopped even when passengers had to get down. I learnt fast how to almost jump down from a moving vehicle. Smh. On the other hand the BRT would stop until everyone gets down. *sigh. How contradictory! I guess it goes with the territory.
Passengers in the BRT always tend to mind their business except they are accompanied. I trust Danfo! There’s always noise either between a passenger or another,the conductor and a passenger(s),the driver and the conductor or the driver and the conductor. It’s never a dull moment. The fights and cursing are always more hilarious. Not that i condone such. I’m always by the corner giggling. As a sure girl,i’m never involved and when i’m a victim(which i hardly am) the ever-supportive random strangers always cqme to my rescue. ^_^. Why will i not choose that over peace and quiet in the BRT buses when i’m not in my house. Smh.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against development. Anyone that knows me knows i’m a 21st century babe. I HATE STRESS. With all the level of technology in the world why will i still be washing clothes with my hands, when there is a portable washing machine or why will i be grinding pepper with a stone when there are blenders and food-processors. Really! Buh once in a while i always want to let out my inner Nigerian; buy boli & groundnut by the roadside or buy gala & lacasera in traffic or jump bikes from one place to another. Is that too much to ask?! Lemme board tubes or go by the subway when i get to England. *deep sigh. Let Lagos be Lagos.
Infact i’m vexed! I’m out! LOL.
How are y’all doing?
I think i’m gradually becoming a rebel or i am already; in a good way that is. So many things i wanna try out and experiment buh i can’t. Simply because the people in charge don’t agree and are against it. Now i’m stuck between obeying them and killing my ideas. At the end of the day,i end up frustrated! I think it’s safe to say that’s my present state of mind.
I go on social media and see my agemates doing something huge and i’m like what’s stopping me? I can do this! I wanna try it out. I’ve come to realise i’m more of a spontaneous person. I read stuff online and get obsessed with it. I wanna try my hands on it especially if the product in question is really cheap and readily avaliable. After all the excitement, i realise i can’t do it then it all boils down to frustration again! Mehn,it kills me!! 😦
These things happen day in day out and you’re sitting down wondering whether or not you’ve made the right decision by choosing to obey those in authority @ the expense of your own personal development. And these people don’t even care or pretend not to. Instead they just continue to condemn and criticize you sometimes even pouring their own personal frustrations on you. Then you have a double-dose. They fail to realize one isn’t getting younger. We need to start looking for ways to fend for ourselves. We need to become less-dependent and more independent.
Every now and then you’re lost in thoughts wondering when this ‘phase’ will be over. You are in a dire need of a breakthrough so to speak. You need to break-free! You need to stand on your own and work and earn a living! You need to implement your ideas and make amazing innovations! You need to pass this knowledge on to others so they can learn from it buh what do you get?? Neglect,Religion (figuratively) and Stagnation. 😐
You try to carry out a couple of ideas discreetly so you don’t invite unnecessary ‘sermons’. You don’t wanna be tagged ‘rebellious’. You wanna be a good girl and not cause trouble. Is that life? Being prevented from doing what you really desire @ the expense of pleasing them? *pfttt!
Then you realise you have no choice, all you do is to keep encouraging and telling yourself, ‘This is for a short while,it will pass’ and hoping someday you break-free and let the world know about you! 🙂
I really don’t know what’s unconsciously holding me down. All i know is i’m just sober,careful and waiting VERY patiently. I’ve come to realise this period is REALLY trying my patience. 😐